Didn't We Love
by scorpion22
Summary: An AU story. What if Cookie hadn't gotten out of prison in the pilot? What if instead of a call with her voice on the other end, Jamal got a much different call? How would the story have changed? Read and Review and find out.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Cookie Lyon had been in jail seventeen years when she died. When she did, she was alone, save for a nurse, in a prison hospital and she didn't know it, but only the day before, her ex-husband Luscious had found out he was dying of ALS. Her family had weighed heavily on her mind all those hard years, but when she passed from one life into the next, she truly found peace. Because somehow, she knew they'd be okay as her heart stopped, and the machine whaled at the loss. She didn't feel the nurse close her eyes or see the pity in her eyes, she didn't want it anyway, but in that moment, the nurse did feel sorry for her because she had died without one member of her family present. She had been a tough woman, but kind. If you treated her right, she did right by you.

"The cancer took her down faster then I thought it would" said the doctor then as he came up behind the nurse, both silently glad for it, for they sensed it was a type of mercy after years of hard suffering. When they found the first tumor, Cookie didn't tell anyone, not Jamal or her sister Carol.

The truth was she didn't want them all to come just because she was dying. Only Jamal and Carol had visited her on and off all these years and she didn't want that to change just because of her health. She wanted them to just come and see her because they wanted to. She didn't want anyone coming to see her just to watch her die. After all, they hadn't come before, why should they come now? And three months later, she was gone. Without a single visit from anyone in that time.

"I'm sorry to tell you this, Mr. Lyon, but I'm calling to tell you your mother died today" said the nurse over the phone, Jamal was on the other end, the call coming out of nowhere, so much so that he nearly collapsed; he would have if he hadn't been sitting down already. He had stopped visiting her because she told him to. The last few years, they had traded letters back and forth, but he hadn't seen her.

"Life's gonna be hard for you sometimes, but I want you to remember, I got you" Jamal thought of those words, the way she had said them all those years ago, and he cried in that moment because despite being away all these years, she had kept her word on that even when he did visit her, it was never about her, but about what was going on in his life, so much so that she hadn't even told him she was sick.

When Jamal finally got it together, he didn't really know what to do at first or who to call. His mind was reeling, and Michael tried to comfort him, but he didn't want it. He found himself pacing his apartment, trying to come to terms with his mother's death, but then suddenly he stopped. His first instinct was to call his dad, his brothers to tell them the news, but he stopped himself. He wasn't sure they'd even care, but nonetheless, he picked up the phone. He dialed his dads' number first. Jamal felt the numbness first. Then a low buzz that turned to a ringing in his ears. He heard that ringing, but not the ringing of the phone. And then he heard his dad's voicemail then hanging up he called again only to hear it right away this time. It took everything in him then not to throw the phone across the room in that moment. He tried his brothers next, first Andre then Hakeem, but still no one answered the phone. When they didn't answer, Jamal's anger rose to his peak, and that's when he threw the phone. He threw it across the room and when Michael screamed, Jamal didn't hear it, his anger had overcome him. It was then that he cried, because his mom would have told him it was going to be alright, and not to pay them any mind. She always took care of him and now, she wouldn't be there anymore, not even as words on a piece of paper. Jamal's anger was real then because he knew his mother had deserved better than his family had given her.

All these years, it had been only him and aunt Carol visiting her. His dad seemed to forget about her altogether while Andre focused on his career and Hakeem just didn't care. They had ignored her all these years and now, it didn't matter that she was dead. They were still ignoring her and pretending she didn't exist. That she never did. It angered Jamal so much that though Michael tried to stop him, he left his apartment.

"This wouldn't exist without her" thought Jamal when he walked into Empire, the company his mother had gone to prison for, and in that moment, his sadness overcame his anger because his mother would never see what her sacrifice had built. When he got up to his dad's office, Becky didn't stop him from bursting through the door. His dad wasn't in there, but he waited.

"He's not gonna ignore her anymore" thought Jamal as he looked at the pictures on the wall, not seeing one with his mother in it.

"He's gonna do right by her" thought Jamal, deciding that today, he would be the man his dad wanted him to be, he would take control, and make him not only bury her, he would make him give her the credit she deserved. As he was thinking that, his dad entered the room, Anika on his arm. The anxiety and discomfort were in the room almost immediately. Everything seemed to stand still, Jamal wasn't quite sure what to do at first as the moment at hand came. He didn't want to say the words, to let them just burst forth, and so they just stood there in that uncomfortable silence, just looking at each other. The click of Anika's heel broke that silence.

"I'll leave you two alone" snapped Anika, giving him a dirty look as she said it, giving his dead a kiss as she left the room. The silence began again though. The silence remained for a long time and neither of them moved. They only stared each other down, each waiting for the other to say something until they couldn't anymore. And then suddenly, his dad was moving behind his desk.

"Why haven't you been answering the phone? I've been calling" exclaimed Jamal, he heard the resentment in his voice almost immediately. He didn't try to hide it, not this time, in fact, he actively glared at his father. He watched his dad sit behind his desk acting like he owned the world. He smirked at him, grabbing a handful of candy from the dish on his desk, and he still didn't answer. The longer he played his little game the more Jamal could feel his anger boiling to exploding inside him.

"I have an IPO to work on. What do you need now, Mal, I pay all your bills, you shouldn't have any reason to call me" said Luscious his demeanor nonchalant even as it was playful, he expected some childish response from him, he wanted to invoke it within him, but much to his surprise, Jamal only stood there, staring him down. Jamal felt cold as the words hit him. In that moment, he truly wished it had been his father who died instead of his mom. He deserved death more then he did. Jamal looked at him and he felt a hatred mixed with guilt for his own thoughts as he stared him down. A stillness fell over the room as Luscious waited for his son to tell him whatever he had to tell him.

"It's about mom" said Jamal, the words coming out slowly, his dad interrupted him almost immediately though, and for once, he was happy for that. The truth was Jamal didn't want to say the words. He felt like if he said them, they would become even more real. He didn't her to be gone. He didn't want her to be dead because who would have his back now? Who would love him unconditionally? His mom was the only one who always had and that made the words all that much harder.

"I'm not about to get into it about your momma with you today" said Luscious, the look in his eyes cold.

"They called to tell me she died today" exclaimed Jamal, the words leaving him quickly in the face of his father's cruelty. Jamal didn't care what his dad would think then, he cried for her then, right there in front of him. He felt the full force of his words finding he couldn't look at his father in that moment. When he did, his dad was just sitting there, and the look on his face made Jamal believe that he might just care. Luscious thought for a moment that he was joking, but then he knew Jamal wouldn't joke about something like that especially when it came to his momma. For Luscious, everything seemed to stop, and he felt shaken. Because he couldn't believe what he was hearing. All these years, he had known where Cookie was, and he felt shaken knowing that he would never see her again. He had always thought he would. It made his own death feel even more imminent. It shone on his face, the shock, the pain, and suddenly, he saw her. As he'd saw her the last time, he ever saw her.

He hadn't thought about that moment in a long time. He didn't like to remember Cookie that way, he preferred to remember her as the woman who'd stood by his side all those years, as the girl he'd met that day on the side of the street, but not as the woman with bruises on her face in a prison waiting room. He remembered that day, those bruises. They hadn't mattered that day, she had always been his beautiful Cookie, and yet, in that moment, it bothered him that that was the last time he had seen her. It bothered him that the next time he saw her, she would be dead in a coffin.

"Cookie and Luscious forever" Cookie had said that that day, she had grabbed his hand and said that.

"You left her in there and never looked back" thought Luscious in that moment, the guilt suddenly weighing heavily on his heart.

"What happened?" said Luscious, the emotion in his voice surprising his son as he stood up coming around his desk. He couldn't imagine Cookie being killed in prison. He knew how tough she could be and when Jamal didn't answer right away, Luscious wanted to explode, but he didn't. He held himself back. He was suddenly walking towards Jamal and then he was walking past him.

"I think they said cancer on the phone…where you going?" exclaimed Jamal bounding after him.

"Becky have my sons at my house right away" exclaimed Luscious in response bursting from his office passed her desk to the elevator with Jamal on his heels.

"Why do you want them at your house? What's happening dad…we got to go deal with mom right now. You can't just leave her this time" snapped Jamal both stepping into the elevator. As the doors closed, Jamal saw an urgency in his dad he hadn't seen in a long time. He looked emotional. It surprised Jamal more than he could say because he honestly thought he wouldn't care, but he did. Jamal could see it. It made him feel guilty again for wanting his father dead only moments ago.

"We're going to get your momma's body" said Luscious, the words on his lips sounding so wrong that he couldn't bring himself to say another word. Jamal and Luscious just sat inside the car, an eerie silence around them.

What they were doing didn't sit well with either one of them. Luscious couldn't believe Cookie was gone. She had gone away and been gone so long, but she was never far from his thoughts. He couldn't imagine where he'd be if she never came along. That thought weighed heavily on his mind as they arrived.


	2. All Too Real

Chapter 2

When they got to the prison, they were taken straight to the warden's office. The whole ordeal made Luscious more then a little nervous as he shook the man's hand accepting his condolences then listening as the man talked about when a funeral home could come get the body once it was released. It all shook him even as he tried to pretend it didn't faze him until suddenly, they were walking. Down a hard cement brick hallway. Everything around them seemed to lose its color then turning a depressing grey that chilled both Jamal and Luscious. Somehow, they couldn't imagine Cookie here, in this place where life stopped, and remembering her then, Luscious felt a pang in his heart. Cookie had always been filled with life; the tough kind of life that had made him smile even when times were hard. It hit Luscious then that he had thought of Cookie more today then he had in seventeen years and his guilt made his heart throb. There was no color and Luscious felt sick as the warden and another officer escorted them to the morgue. It was in the basement of the prison. As they walked there, Luscious' guilt weighed heavily on him. Because Cookie shouldn't have died in a place like this.

Luscious thought about that day on the sidewalk. He had sung his song just for her and they had been one in the same after that. It had been like Cookie said, Cookie and Luscious forever, and yet, it hadn't been too. She had sacrificed for him and he had never said thank you or repaid her for that. And yet, walking in those dull grey walls then, Luscious knew Cookie could have been more. That she could have had more if he hadn't come along. He had taken her into his darkness though and this was where it had led her. With each step he took, the thought repeated in his mind, and no matter what he did, Luscious couldn't shake it.

"Luscious, if I was to go down, promise me you'll keep playing" Cookie had asked for a promise that he had never given because he had never thought he would need to and yet, what she had said had happened, it had led them here, and he had done as she asked, even as he knew this wasn't what she had meant that day, she had never pictured the sacrifice she would make, and walking still, Luscious was grateful for one thing that now her sacrifice was over. Luscious wished he had visited her here. That he'd said thank you just once especially when he entered the morgue with Jamal. Jamal didn't hide his feelings the way his father did. He couldn't, not as they walked within those grey walls, and especially not when they entered the morgue. He saw the outline of his mom's body immediately. Lying on a metal slab under a plain paper sheet. Jamal instantly stumbled back until his body hit the wall, not looking at his dad, but the body then until he felt his dad's hand on his shoulder. The tears came all at once then, doubling him over with a gut-wrenching pain, and when it did, Jamal was surprised when his dad, the man who had thrown him away many times throughout his life, began to comfort him.

Until he looked up at him and saw the tears his dad was crying too.

"How long was she sick?" said Luscious keeping his voice steady as he held his son's shoulder even as he didn't look at him, but instead at the body of the woman he had always loved.

"A few months…the cancer spread quickly. I'm told she looked at peace when it finally took her" said the warden looking at the nurse, the one who had been with her when she passed as she entered from the door behind them. She kept her eyes downcast, as if showing respect for the dead. Luscious and Jamal didn't really pay her any mind their minds too keenly focused on Cookie. Luscious and Jamal looked at her at the same time, she was looking at the body too after a moment, but then she looked at them.

"Was she alone?" exclaimed Jamal finally managing to steady himself again. He told himself that his mom would want him to be strong then as he looked at the woman as she stood behind them. The truth was he hoped his mom hadn't been alone. That someone had been there, maybe not to hold her hand, but just to be there. So, she wouldn't go out as lonely as she had been these last seventeen years.

"No, I was with her as she died. She didn't really ever say much, but she was staring at the ceiling and then I heard her take a deep breath then her eyes kind of got this shine to them. She died a few minutes later. It's like the warden told you, she looked at peace, like she'd come to terms with something" said the nurse glancing at the body another moment before bowing her head as she left the room followed shortly after by the warden. The two men didn't realize it as they started to move towards the body. The prison doctor stood by the body. He didn't say anything to them, and they didn't say anything to him, only lifting the paper sheet from the body when they were close enough. When Jamal saw her face, he started crying again. Luscious wrapped an arm around his son as he looked at Cookie for the first time in seventeen years. He hadn't seen her face in all that time and yet, she hadn't changed. She was still his beautiful Cookie Monster. Looking at her face though, that look the nurse had spoke of was still there, a peaceful type of contentment that Luscious found made his heart throb again. She had said she looked content with something as she died and looking at her, Luscious wondered what it was as he gazed down upon her. Cookie looked at peace.

Her hair was cut short, her skin just slightly yellow, and for a moment, it looked like she was sleeping. Jamal looked at her and he didn't see a corpse. He saw his mother. The woman who had had his back his whole life even as she was locked away. He almost wanted to believe that she would wake up somehow, maybe that was he reached out to take her hand as it lay underneath the sheet. When he touched her skin though, he knew it was true. That she was gone when he felt the cold touch of her skin. It made him flinch away, a strangled sob leaving his throat, and in that moment, he looked at his dad. Their eyes met and neither of them knew what to say as he flinched away then. So quickly that it startled Luscious, making him grab both his son's shoulders. Luscious wanted his son to look at him. He wanted to tell him that it would all be okay even as he wasn't so sure it would. Jamal wouldn't though, for though he had flinched away at the cold touch of her hand, his eyes never left her. They were fixated on his mom the look in his eyes something Luscious couldn't find words for.

"She's cold, dad. Cold and gone…she's not there anymore" exclaimed Jamal the words a muffled sob. As he spoke, he still didn't look at him. He just couldn't look away, not just because of the grief he felt, but because then he could lie to himself. Tell himself that this wasn't real. That she was alive, but as long as her body was right there, he couldn't deny it. His mom was dead, and he was alone now. That body had once belonged to his mother, but that cold chill told him more then anything that she was gone. Her warmth had slipped from her body and all that remained was this. A cold shell. A corpse that looked like his mother that wasn't her at all. Her spirit had gone and looking at her, Jamal hoped she was at peace now even as he began to miss her.

"Will a mortuary be coming for the body?" said the doctor then drawing all of Luscious' attention.

"Yes, we'll be starting the funeral plans as soon as we leave here" exclaimed Luscious leaving his son in that moment. The room was quiet as he looked at her, his hands at his sides. He couldn't take his eyes off her face. That face that had been a memory he compared every lover he ever had to. No one had ever quite compared to her. She had always been the only woman who could stand toe to toe with him.

"I got us" Luscious remembered saying that to her, not once, but so many times then as he looked at her face, finding the same woman despite the trials he was sure she had faced.

"I'm sorry, baby" whispered Luscious the words barely above a whisper as he looked at the strained lines of her face, a sign of the world that had lived on her shoulders all these years, and in that moment, Luscious hoped that nurse was right that Cookie was at peace now. Luscious wanted that for her. Hoped that she was truly at peace then as he took her hand raising it from beneath the sheet. He felt Jamal's eyes on him then as he held it between his own. It was as cold as Jamal had said.

Luscious deterred by the cold skin though. He felt it easily between his own and his eyes still never left her face. Not even when he brought her hand to his lips. He wanted to tell her he loved her, but he didn't know if he had to right to anymore.

"You're so beautiful" sang Luscious the tears he shed falling onto her hand. Suddenly, he found himself taken back seventeen years, to that day outside the courtroom when they'd been saying their goodbyes.

"I'll be watching you" Luscious remembered those words, how he had sung to her as their kids hugged them, and he shuddered as the guilt he felt over leaving her behind grabbed him whole. He had written that song for her because she was the love of his life. He had performed never saying even as he dedicated each performance to her. Looking at her then, Luscious knew that song would always be for her as he broke down over her in that moment.

She had always been the love of his life, all the one's after her had been poor substitutes, and laying her hand down, Luscious realized it as his son's hand was on his shoulder.

"You make sure you take good care of her" snapped Luscious in that moment, startling the doctor. Jamal and Luscious didn't say anything as they left then, both somehow needing the silence. Both of them looked back only once as they left her there. It still didn't feel real somehow. Jamal wasn't so sure it ever would and neither did Luscious as they went back down that grey hallway back into the light of day. The drive back was as silent as the drive there.

"Come on, we have to go tell your brothers" whispered Luscious, when they arrived at his house, his voice strained as they sat in the car, both needing a moment before having to go inside.

"I still can't believe it" exclaimed Jamal starting to break down again. Luscious let him have his tears. He didn't say anything, he just let his son have his grief until finally he sniffed as nodded at him. He was as ready for this as he was going to get and with that they got out of the car.

His words affected Luscious more then he cared to admit as he stepped out of the car. The guilt was weighing on him more and more because he couldn't say the same. Because the truth was, he had hoped she'd never get out and yet, now he regretted that because his wish had come true. Cookie had died in there and he hadn't wanted that. Walking into his house then, he saw Anika waiting for him, and he couldn't look at her. Because he wished she was Cookie in that moment.


	3. Emotions from a Heavy Past

Chapter 3

Andre and Hakeem were sitting at Luscious' dining room table when he and Jamal entered the room. Jamal was silent. He didn't need to say anything, the other two could immediately see something was wrong. His skin was almost gray, his eyes red, and Andre felt his guard go up. Something was wrong, he could feel it, he just didn't know what it was as he looked at his father hoping to get some sort of hint. Jamal only sat there, unable to speak or find the words for this moment. The truth was he was still coming to terms with it and deep down, he wasn't sure he would. He wasn't even sure he wanted to as he sat there waiting for the words, he knew were coming to leave his father's mouth. He couldn't, not with that image still in his mind. That image of his mother lying on that slab, her skin cold, and her eyes closed in death. In that moment, Luscious could sense the turmoil running through his son's heart that's why he didn't push him. He let him sit there. Because he felt the same turmoil in his heart. Because he had the same image of Cookie stuck inside his own mind. He only entered the room, his eyes tracing over each of his son's, and his heart throbbing at the sight. He saw a little bit of Cookie in each of them, even in Hakeem though he didn't know it. They were each her son's as much as they were his and, in that moment, Luscious wanted her to see them, if even one last time.

"Get your feet off my table, I eat there" exclaimed Luscious hitting him across the back of the head, part of him knowing that that was what Cookie would have done.

"She was always a good mother, loved the boys as much as she kept them in line" thought Luscious in that moment as he stood in front of his son's, catching a glimpse of Anika as she loomed in the doorway.

"Cookie never had to do anything to look beautiful to me. She had a god given beauty" thought Luscious feeling a chill as he compared her to Cookie, it wasn't the first time he'd done so, but in that moment, it felt different then because Cookie was a ghost now, dead now, that's why he couldn't look at her as she stayed in the doorway the look in her eyes telling him that her curiosity was eating at her inside. Luscious could barely look at her though as the image of Cookie stuck inside his mind kept flashing before his eyes. Anika couldn't be what he was focused on today. For he had ignored Cookie for seventeen years, but he decided he wouldn't do that anymore as he looked at their son's. He didn't know what to say. The words were in his head, but he couldn't say them. No matter how he phased them, they didn't seem right, and as a silence hung in the air, Luscious stood there in front of them always searching for the right words to say what he had to say.

"Mal got a call about your momma today…an important call" whispered Luscious the words seeming slow as they left his mouth, his eyes seeming to meet Andre's in that moment as Hakeem sat next to him seeming not to care about the topic at hand.

Watching him, Luscious stifled his anger as he just stood there. He knew Hakeem really didn't understand the sacrifices his mother had made. That was why he let the words simply fall out.

"Your momma died today" said Luscious, part of him surprised when Hakeem turned his head to look at him as Andre stood up.

"What!" exclaimed Andre, the disbelief on his face.

The word hung in the air and Luscious was glad when Jamal broke in.

"She died today. Dad and I just got back from seeing her body" exclaimed Jamal his voice heavy with emotion. For a moment, Andre just stared at him, and Luscious was afraid he would break down like he'd done before. After a moment though, he lowered himself back down into his seat, and when he spoke there was the same type of emotion in his own voice. The truth was Andre hadn't thought of his mother in a long time. She had wondered to the back of his mind until now. Because though he had never expected to see her again, he hadn't wanted her dead either, maybe that's why he was feeling the way he was now.

"What happened to her?" exclaimed Andre his voice a shaking quiver of emotions. As he spoke there were images going through his mind too. Images from long ago that he hadn't thought about since they had happened. Memories really, of that day at the courthouse, the last time he saw his mother, when he had been just a kid trying to understand what was going on, but never really managing to until much later in his life.

"I don't know what's going to happen, but always remember, mommy loves you, don't ever forget that" Andre remembered the words for the first time in years. He was still remembering them as they left the house that day. He never got an answer to the question he asked, he only heard as his dad talked about planning a funeral.


	4. Mother

Chapter 4

That night, Andre couldn't sleep; he kept thinking about his mom. His memories of her were hazy. Like something from a distant past that he wondered sometimes if he'd dreamt up and yet, he knew it hadn't been a dream. She had been his mother, she had existed, and now, she was dead. He kept thinking about the things she must have went through these past seventeen years, of the sacrifices she had made, and he found himself wishing he had visited her. At least one time, but he never had, not even as a kid. He told himself he didn't know why he hadn't when he did. The truth was when he remembered his mother after suppressing her memory all this time, he remembered her the way he knew she would have wanted him to remember her. As his mother. As the figure standing over him with those fierce eyes that commanded respect. As the smile that held so much love as she cradled him in her arms as she smothered him with kisses. Most of all, he remembered what she had told him to always remember, that she loved him. She had always loved him, but she hadn't gotten that love shown to her in return. Andre knew she had always loved him; he was thinking about that when Rhonda came up behind him. She knew all about his mother, when they first met, she had been the only one he had told the truth to about his mother.

For years, he had told everyone she was dead, and thinking of that now, he felt something he couldn't quite describe. Because she was really dead now. He had told the lie for so many years, but Andre had never considered the day when that lie would become truth. Truthfully, he had shoved his mother away to the very back of his mind letting her become old, worn, dusty even, until now. Now, her death had pushed her to the center of his mind, and Andre wondered as he stood there if he would recognize her. When he saw her in that casket, if he would know the woman within it or would she just be the faded shadow that was his mother? The thought seemed to haunt him.

"Andre, do you wanna talk?" said Rhonda, her voice sounded far away even though she was right behind him, her hands touching the plains of his stomach as her head touched the center of his back her lips ghosting over it.

"I don't know…I don't know how to feel. Until now I avoided thinking about my mom, but now she's all I can think about" whispered Andre his hands fisting over the kitchen counter. Rhonda heard an emotion in his voice that almost shocked her in that moment. Because what he said was the truth, he had avoided the subject of his mom for so long, and yet now, he was talking about her with a reverent emotion that was almost holy. It was like he was counting his regrets and trying to find a way to redeem himself for his sins where she was concerned, but he didn't know where that redemption was. It was almost heartwarming and hugging him close, it affected her as much as him even though she hadn't met the woman he was mourning.

"I've never heard you talk this way about your mom" whispered Rhonda in that moment feeling as he took her hands.

"Before now, she wasn't dead" whispered Andre his voice a ghost as he took a breath as if to steady himself and suddenly Rhonda saw into his soul, she saw that whatever lie between his mother and him, that she had been his mother, and deep down he had loved her all this time.

"Seventeen years, she was in there, and I never visited. We all just let her rot away until she gave away and now, we can't ignore her anymore" exclaimed Andre his voice rougher now as a sob like sound left him. It was in that moment that Rhonda turned him making him look down into her face. He had those puppy dog eyes that he always had when he was at his most vulnerable. His eyes were a deep brown, a brown she didn't recognize from Luscious, and looking at him, she wondered if those had been Cookie Lyons eyes as she looked up into them. She didn't voice her question though as she just stared silently up at him.

"She was in prison, babe, I don't think she would have wanted you there" said Rhonda taking his face in her hands. The truth was Rhonda had never seen him this way. She had seen him distraught over Luscious, the son begging for acceptance, but now, this was a different type of son. This was a son mourning the only parent who had ever loved him unconditionally. The parent he had neglected that he didn't have anymore. It was a side of him she found she yearned to see that she didn't know she'd wanted to see until this moment came upon them. It pained her that she had to see it under such painful circumstances.

She had always seen the way her husband was with Luscious, the devoted son, always trying so hard to earn his approval, but she didn't see it now.

"I'm so sorry, babe" whispered Rhonda, finding they were the only words that fit that moment as she looked up into his eyes still seeing them filled with the sorrow of a son for a mother. There was a longing there for a mother's love, for the mother, and Rhonda suddenly wished she had known Cookie Lyon.

"I wish you could have met her" exclaimed Andre then beginning to sob as her arms encompassed him, feeling her own type of guilt in that moment, because she had misjudged Cookie Lyon without ever meeting her, looked down on her, and now she knew how wrong that had been.

"So do I" whispered Rhonda, feeling her own type of sorrow for looking down on the woman, wishing somehow she could apologize, because she had always thought Cookie Lyon had abandoned her son, but now she realized she hadn't, circumstances had just taken her away.

Now though, Rhonda thought maybe it wasn't that way at all.

"I wish I could have met her and gotten to know her" whispered Rhonda, finding she too was crying for a woman she had never even met, crying because she knew, she knew if Cookie could have been there all these years that she would have been.

"Jamal visited her, I should have too" exclaimed Andre, breaking down in her arms.

"That was Jamal's choice to make, you made yours, Andre" said Rhonda knowing the words wouldn't help, but knowing they were all she had. Because she didn't know what else to say. Because she knew it was true. The truth was words weren't her focus then, but instead, she was more concerned with keeping him strong as he broke down before her.

"She didn't even tell anyone she was sick. She must of thought no one would care" gasped Andre his voice becoming hard for her to understand. Rhonda didn't say anything right away. She knew he just needed to say what he was thinking in that moment and so she let him. She didn't tell him he was wrong or try to stop his words, but she just let him go on as he was. To vent his emotions before they built up inside him to explode.

"I'm sure she didn't think that…she just didn't want you all to watch her like that…I'm sure she knew that you all loved her" whispered Rhonda sensing that this was what was truly eating him alive. It was the fact that she had died alone. That she hadn't told anymore and had chosen to leave this world without anyone knowing. And then there was the lie. The lie he had told since she had been away. Only now, it wasn't a lie, but an absolute truth that couldn't be denied. Rhonda knew as she held him then that his mind wasn't processing the reality of his mother's death and it worried her as she held him in her arms. Rhonda didn't have the words to sooth him in that moment, so she didn't say anything. She just let him cry in that moment until his shoulders stopped shaking and suddenly, he was looking at her.

"Come with me, there's something I want to show you" said Andre in that moment, his movements quicker then she expected them to be. Andre eased himself out of her arms until only his hand holding hers linked them. He looked at her as if stopping to see if she would follow at his side and when he knew she would, he began leading her up the stairs, and along the halls of their home. It was exciting even as they roamed the halls they knew so well.

At first, Rhonda didn't know where they were going until suddenly, she did. When they got so far, she knew they were going to his office, and she let him lead her on. When they got there, everything was so quiet as sat together his chair his hands on her hips as she sat in his lap. Rhonda didn't know what to expect as she watched Andre open a locked drawer in his desk. He removed an envelope from the very back and looking at her, he didn't open it. Andre didn't look at it, he only handed it to her, as if it was something so important that a second couldn't wait before she opened it. It intrigued her as she looked at him instead of the envelope wondering what could be inside. She hadn't even known it had been hidden in his desk all this time and she didn't know what to think of it as he revealed it to her now. Finally, though, she looked at it then at him then at it again before daring to open it. Inside were a lot of old photos, mostly worn, but they were still good enough that it was easy to look at them.

The first photo she saw was the one that caught her from the very beginning. It was a family photo. They were all there, Luscious, though he looked different from the man she had known since meeting Andre, two small boys, and a woman holding a baby. They looked so happy. It was clear they didn't have a dime to their name, but that didn't matter. They still looked happy. Looking at the photo, analyzing each face, Rhonda let her eyes linger on the woman holding the baby. She knew who it was without asking. It was Cookie Lyon. That the boys were a young Andre and a younger Jamal. And in Cookie's arms was Hakeem. She couldn't help thinking that it was a beautiful photo even with it worn edges and creases where it had been folded and unfolded so many times. They were all smiling, a family, and looking at it, she then looked at him.

"Why have you never shown these to me?" whispered Rhonda, moving to the next photo, one of a younger Cookie with a different baby.

"I never really looked at them. I just stuffed them in that drawer and forgot about them" whispered Andre, that emotion still heavy as it weighed on him. He didn't look at her as he spoke, but at the photo in her hand. The one of his mother when she was young. A new emotion filled his eyes then and Rhonda didn't have to ask why. She somehow knew without having to ask.

"This you?" whispered Rhonda, smiling.

"Yeah…my mom was a pretty lady…always, even when we ran her ragged" whispered Andre taking the photo from her to look more closely at it. They sat there in silence until Andre looked at her again.

"You know, when she went away, before they took her away, she told all of us to always remember that mommy loved us, to not ever forget…and I did. I left her in there and forgot she existed" whispered Andre, feeling as Rhonda touched his face. As he leaned into the touch, Rhonda kept looking at the photos, wishing still she could have met Cookie Lyon.


	5. Fur Coats and Poor Immitations

Chapter 5

"None of this is right" thought Luscious as him and his sons arrived at the funeral home for Cookie's viewing, she was in a white casket, and as he was thinking that, so was Andre. Rhonda stood next to Andre, Jamal was there too, and after a moment, Luscious appeared behind them. He could see only the outline of her face. At first, they didn't move any closer, just watching as if expecting something to change.

"Where's Hakeem? Why isn't he here yet?" snapped Luscious suddenly, startling the other three out of the almost holy silence that had come to shroud them. No one seemed to have an answer which only served to fuel Luscious temper even more. The longer they waited, Hakeem never appeared, until they knew they couldn't wait anymore as Jamal found an answer to his fathers' question. Because they all knew Hakeem wasn't there because he didn't care to be. He didn't care that his mother was dead. He didn't even know who she was. Luscious knew that was his fault as he stared at her lying in that coffin, the thought piling more guilt onto his soul.

"Hakeem isn't coming…we shouldn't wait for him" whispered Jamal then sniffling as he looked across the room at his mother. He felt anger at his brother too in that moment. He hadn't ever gotten the chance to know their mother, but that didn't serve as an excuse for Jamal. Because she was still their mother. She still brought them into the world. And now, she was dead, Hakeem would never have to chance to know her at all. Jamal thought that was sad as he remembered his mother as she had been when he was a kid, before she was gone; she had been a good mother who showered them with love and taught them the value of respect. It was that that made them the men they were today.

"Andre?" whispered Luscious, his eyes trained on the white coffin.

"You heard Jamal, Pop, you know Hakeem just doesn't want to be here. He doesn't care" said Andre, his eyes leaving the coffin to look at his dad. Their eyes lingered together for only a moment, both knowing that he spoke the truth, until looking away from each other again. They focused on Cookie then, laying still in the coffin, her eyes closed as the lights shining down on her. They made her look almost angelic as Andre focused on her there. He could barely see his mothers face. It was blurred from this distance, like his very memory of her. It made him want to go closer, so he could see her, and remember her. So, he could remember what her face looked like after not seeing it for seventeen years. The face he hadn't seen in seventeen years.

"I don't know what's gonna happen, but no matter what happens in there…I want you to remember, mommy loves you, don't ever forget that" Andre heard her words then, the last words she had ever said to them, and he wondered if she had known this would be when they would meet again. He remembered the look on her face as she'd said that. She had looked so sad, so scared.

"I'm sorry I didn't visit" whispered Andre then, feeling the other eyes on him, as he wondered if that look had ever left her after they had abandoned her behind bars for all these years.

"Come on, Pop, we can't wait anymore. Mom deserves our full attention today" whispered Andre then as he brushed them aside, feeling as only Rhonda stayed by his side, as he approached the coffin.

He could feel Rhonda behind him, but he didn't look at her. His eyes were trained on his mother. When Andre first saw her, he recognized her, even as he didn't. The woman in the coffin was older, she had lines on her face that had aged her. A weight seemed to have lifted with death and she looked almost peaceful as he looked at her, remembering his mother who had hugged him tighter than anyone ever had in his life. She looked like the woman he remembered, strong, with that awe of in destruction that came off her in waves. It made Andre long to see her alive again as he looked at her, but also at the lines on her face.

"She looks just like she did when I was a kid…I don't know why, but I expected her to change somehow" whispered Andre then feeling the other eyes as they strayed from her to him.

"She was beautiful" whispered Rhonda, clutching his arm as they stood in front of the casket.

"Mom always looked pretty…even when she was behind bars, there was always a composed type of beauty about her" said Jamal, his hands braced at the side of the casket, all sound seeming to stop as they looked down on her.

"She was always beautiful…even when I first met her…she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever laid eyes on" said Luscious his voice holding the type of emotion that was rarely heard by others. Rhonda looked at him then, a type of wonder in her eyes as she did. Because she had never heard his voice with that emotion in it before. He always seemed so cruel to her. Now though, he seemed almost human as he looked down at the woman he had loved once upon a time.

"Here" whispered Rhonda, handing the man a tissue which he didn't take even as he looked right at her. He just stared at her as tears ran down his face. She was trying to comfort him, but he didn't want it as he wiped the tears away himself. He didn't like people to see him at his weakest, but seeing Cookie lying there had overcome him. Luscious wanted to say it wouldn't happen again, but he didn't truly believe that as he looked down at her once more.

Cookie lay in that coffin; she was wearing the same clothes she had been locked up in. That somehow seemed wrong to Luscious. Because though the world didn't know it, she was the queen of the empire, and she deserved more then what she had been given. Luscious knew he should have done right by her, somehow, while she was away. He just didn't know how as he looked at her, the knowledge that he might be following her in death very soon, making him shiver. He hoped she could find it in him to forgive her. He hoped for that as he relished the thought of getting to see her again. She wore that same yellow, brown dress, the same gold hoop earrings, but also a white mink coat. The coat he had bought her seventeen years ago, just before she went away. Back then, it had been his sign to her that their lives were going to change. That soon the world would be theirs, but then as quickly as they had been lifted, everything had crashed too. She had been gone and he had had to go on without her. His sign of things to come hadn't been what he meant it to because nothing went as he had planned it to.

His music was just starting to take off. The Empire was just a seedling back then and they were just starting out.

"She had always wanted a real fur…I was so proud to finally be able to give her one" thought Luscious in that moment, remembering when he had bought it for her off the street. It was the first and last nice thing he would ever buy her. As he looked at her, wrapped in it now as she lay in her coffin, Luscious felt sick.

He hadn't known it would serve that purpose when he bought it years before. Luscious remembered giving her that coat. He had been so excited to give it to her. It had been hard keeping a straight face as waited until the boys were all asleep and she was getting ready to do the same. She had looked so surprised when he came into the room carrying that coat.

"Oh my god, Luscious" Cookie had exclaimed, she had grabbed the fur from his hands. Cookie had this awestruck look on her face as she felt the fur run through her fingers.

She had looked ready to cry, but those tears never came as she looked at him with such love in her eyes. There was caution there too. Maybe because she was afraid to have him spend money on something so luxurious. Maybe because there was so much more, they needed that she never let him buy anything just for her. Luscious hadn't known then or now as he remembered that night. It was like she expected him to take it back.

"Are you gonna stare at me or put it on?" Luscious had said it with seduction in his voice as he took the coat from her. Luscious held it out to her, waiting for her to hold out her arms to put it on. She had hesitated still until with a smile on her face, she turned around, and she let her arms slide into the warm luxurious fabric. He had held her by the shoulders afterward and when she leaned back into his chest, she was smiling. He would never forget the look on her face when she did or the brilliant smile.

"You're beautiful" whispered Luscious in that moment capturing her hands in his as they ran over the fur before she turned to look up into his eyes.

"I love you, Luscious" Cookie had sounded as fragile as he had ever heard her as her arms went around his neck to hold him close as she brought him to kiss her. No one had ever kissed him the way Cookie did. Both then or since, she had been his one and only, and he missed her more in the last few days then he had in years. That weighed heavily on him as he looked at her then, still remembering that night that suddenly didn't seem like that long ago. When that kiss had broken, the look in her eyes had changed, returning to the cautious one he knew so well. He had called it her mother's look.

"How'd you afford this?" Cookie had whispered her eyes looking deeply into his. Luscious missed that look. Whenever he saw it, it had felt like she was looking into his soul. She had known him better then any other woman had ever dared. It shook him to remember their bond as she lay in that coffin now.

No one woman had known him the way Cookie had. He hadn't been able to get anything past her. He couldn't hide anything from her because she knew him. He had tried all these years to find her replacement but failed each time. Because there was no one like her. He had known that from the moment he saw her walking outside that flavor ice shop. Back then though, Luscious had kissed her into silence as he held her in his arms. She had smiled up at him still as she tugged him down, so he had no choice, but to look her in the eye.

"I hit my first single, we're on our way, baby. Soon, we'll be buying everything we could ever want" Luscious had whispered, his voice tender. Cookie had laughed, jumping up and down in response before stopping suddenly, she kissed him again.

"We're about to change the music business forever, baby" Cookie had exclaimed grabbing the collar of his shirt to kiss him again. Coming back to himself, Luscious realized he hadn't thought about that night in years. Truth was, he hadn't really thought about Cookie in years. Suddenly, the guilt he held inside boiled over, and Luscious let his tears fall until his sons were gone. Then he was left alone with her.


	6. Faded Sparks

Chapter 6

"It's just you and me now" whispered Luscious after everyone else had gone, his feet planted firmly on the ground beside her coffin to peer down into her face. He couldn't take his eyes off her. Cookie looked at peace. A peace he could imagine she hadn't felt since the bars had shut behind her seventeen years ago. Because she was free now. From the hell she had lived in for seventeen years. No one could hurt her now. Luscious was happy for that now as he looked at her, wishing it had come sooner, and that she had gotten to walk out from behind bars, alive. Instead, she was dead, but at least she was free. Free after he had left her in there to rot. Luscious couldn't deny that anymore. For years, he had told himself that he hadn't left, but that it was in everyone's best interest. That was wrong though because he had abandoned her. He would deny that no more as he looked down at her to find her finally at peace. Just like she deserved.

"I'm sorry for not visiting. You deserved better than that" said Luscious suddenly, taking her hand in both of his like he had done at the prison, and in that moment, he could find no other words. He kissed it again, feeling a twinge at the cold feel of her skin. As he watched her in silence, Luscious felt the tears come spilling out again as he did, because this was the mother of his children. This was the love of his life in that casket. For years, Luscious had denied that, but as she lay there now, he couldn't anymore.

Since abandoning her, there had been so many women, so many warm bodies, but always only one Cookie. They all had acted as a substitute for her, but none of them ever succeeded in being her. He was always seeking Cookie in them, but no one could fill her shoes. Cookie was special. God broke the mold when he made her and Luscious realized just how stupid he was being all those years with all those women. He knew he should have stayed with her. Waited for her, but he hadn't. He had to live with that for as long as he lived. If he lived very long. Luscious thought about his own ALS for a moment, wondering if it was a hidden miracle. If it would mean he would be with Cookie again soon. Luscious wasn't sure how he felt about that as he looked down on her, his mind returning to the time they had lost. Even now, Anika tried to act like the goddess Cookie had always been. Cookie had never had to try to be what she was. It just came naturally. Not like Anika, who worked so hard to fill her shoes, but who always came just short of the woman she didn't even know she was being compared to. She always came up a colorless, dull replica, and only in front of the real woman could Luscious acknowledge that now. Cookie had just been the woman she was. Become that way somehow, though, even he had no idea how. She had never tried to live up to anything, but simply been the woman she deemed herself to be. Luscious had always loved that about her. The way she wasn't afraid of anything or how she didn't act like she had anything to live up to. She lived by her own terms, always, he knew that was somehow still true even when she was locked away.

"You were always the queen of the empire. I'll make sure everyone knows it now" whispered Luscious then looking at her with a promise in not just his voice, but the very gaze that shined down upon her.

She had that ephemeral glow. Like something holy.

"I've been with a lot of women, Cookie, you probably knew that, but I was always looking for you in them. I never found it. You were always the love of my life…you're a hard act to follow…you always will be" exclaimed Luscious, his voice heavy with an emotion that he usually hid. Cookie hadn't weighed on his mind this much since she first went away. Back then, they had told him thirty years, and this right now had been his worst fear. That someday, the only way he would get her back would be when he buried her. Somehow, he'd known this would be how it would end for them, but he'd never acknowledged it until now, when it was actually happening. All the time he spent ignoring her memory seemed to implode then and Luscious couldn't deny all the years he had spent missing her. He had spent years hiding his longing for her, knowing that if Cookie were there, he couldn't have hidden it from her. Because he never could. There bond had always been that strong.

"I never wanted it this way, Cookie. You are the mother of my children, the love of my life, I never stopped loving you" exclaimed Luscious, breaking down in front of the casket.

"Those tears actually look real" said a voice from behind him, Luscious knew that voice; he hadn't heard it in seventeen years. Before, he had only heard once, it had that same sullen tone that made his temper flare.

"You sure had a sorry way of showing her you loved her" snapped the voice, making him turn, wiping the tears from his eyes.

"You can't say you did any better by her" said Luscious, finding her standing in the doorway where he and his sons had been, all dressed in black with a look of judgement on her face. Renee Holloway, Cookie's mother, another figure who had abandoned her when she was needed only to appear when it was much too late. Luscious had never liked her and now, that feeling didn't change. If anything, it increased as the two stared each other down trying to think of something civil to say. Neither of them ever found those words.

She had come along after Cookie went away, tried to tell him how to raise his kids, and how to take care of his wife. Luscious knew in some ways she had been right, but he wasn't going to tell her that. He wouldn't give her the satisfaction. What had happened was between him and Cookie. When he died, he would make his amends to her, and her alone. He had made his mind up about that as he stared this woman down. They didn't say anything more to each other. In their minds, there was nothing left to be said, at least between the two of them. As far as Luscious was concerned, he didn't have to explain himself to her, only to Cookie. They had never like each other, yet, Luscious couldn't help thinking that they were one in the same. Only one thing had always held them that way. They had loved the same woman. It had been their job to be there when Cookie needed them, but in that they both had failed. Because if they had succeeded, Cookie wouldn't be dead now, but maybe, she might be alive to see all they had achieved. Luscious hated being united in that one thing as he looked at her wondering if she understood that the way he did now. He didn't think she did as she continued to look at him with such distain.

"I'm surprised you came. Cookie would be too. Probably as surprised as she would be to see me here" whispered Luscious, only just admitting to the wrong he had done his wife as he looked at Cookie again in a way to atone for his sin. Now, she would have to do like he had done, and admit the wrong she had done her daughter. She would have to look at her in that coffin and find a way to explain what she had done. Just as Luscious had. He wished her luck with that as he let his eyes wonder to her once more.

"May I say goodbye to my daughter?" said Renee, her voice hollow. She acted as if she expected him to leave then. Like she was in charge, as she moved aside as if ordering him to leave, but Luscious didn't move. He didn't take orders from her. Only one woman had ever given him orders and it wasn't her. He was staring down at her now. Instead, Luscious stayed where he was, still holding Cookie's hand.

He could feel her eyes on him the entire time until he kissed that same hand. At first, he still didn't intend to leave, but after a while even he couldn't stay there forever. When he finally laid her hand atop her other one, Luscious still didn't leave. He wasn't done looking at her yet. He knew he never would be as his eyes lifted as he prepared to leave. Before he did though, he kissed her goodbye; like he had done seventeen years ago in that hallway before they took her away. Both moments somehow felt one in the same. This kiss was truly not like any other they had shared. Not just because she was dead, but because of all the time that had passed. They hadn't shared a kiss for years and yet, a faded spark was still there as his lips left her. It made something inside him weep as he remembered then all the time, he had spent ignoring her existence. Luscious was still clinging to that old spark when he turned to walk out of the room. He wished he could take so many things back now, but he didn't let that show on his face. He hid it all very well. Like he had all these years. Only Cookie could get through his walls and she wasn't there the breakthrough them anymore. The thought made him release an intern sob that he felt down deep within the depths of his heart.

"You may now make peace with your daughter" said Luscious as he passed her.

Renee didn't respond, but he felt her stiffen as he left the room. Nothing else was said between them. Maybe because there were no words as the two parted. The silence was as peace a departure as they could come to. Luscious knew that as he walked away knowing that next time, he saw that white casket that it would be at the funeral. That shook him all the more as he walked farther away.

"I love you, Cookie" whispered Luscious as his car drove away from the funeral home after he stepped inside, a solemn silence following the words. At first, Luscious didn't watch where they were going, but as they moved to leave the city, Luscious had them turn around. He wanted to take the long way home tonight. Past the streets he hadn't been in for a very long time. Luscious didn't know what made him want to see those streets again, but as he passed them by, he felt something inside himself awaken. He never thought he'd be here again. Somewhere he hadn't been in years. These streets had been his home. They had fueled the music that made him his empire. He had met Cookie on these streets. Hustled to make a living on these streets. Years had passed, but as he drove passed them, Luscious wasn't surprised to find that these streets had not.

The streets he had survived on.

"We made it here. Built the beginnings of our empire here" thought Luscious as his memories passed him by as he drove through those streets remembering the places where Cookie and him had walked side by side, always, ride or die, more memories coming as he passed more familiar places. The house where they lived. This had been as big as they had ever hoped to get. As big as he had ever dreamed of getting. Everything else had been all Cookie. Her vision. It had come true too. Next he passed the house where she had lived with her dad and sisters. Where she had left Lauretha Holloway and returned his Cookie. That seemed so long ago as he sat for only a second in front of that house before he had his driver move on. To the frozen ice shop where they had met. Where he had waited for her and changed his life. He had waited outside that shop for her, perfecting his beat just to impress her.

That moment had changed his life. That song. When Luscious went home, Anika tried to speak to him, but he didn't have the words. Instead, he locked himself in his office, and going to his office, he found the one he was looking for.

"Oh baby, you, you've got what I need" as the song started, Luscious sat in his chair, just listening to it. When he started to cry, he didn't even realize it as he remembered Cookie, first meeting her outside that shop, with this song.


	7. Things Nearly Burned

Chapter 7

Luscious came out of his office to find Anika waiting on him.

"Luscious?" said Anika, her eyes pleading with him for something he didn't understand anymore especially now, when she always seemed to be waiting on him, expecting something from him that Luscious found he could no longer give.

"Not now" whispered Luscious turning his back to her.

"Don't turn away from me…I love you…I want to help you" exclaimed Anika, but Luscious couldn't, not now, when he kept thinking of Cookie. He kept wishing she was someone else.

Somehow, he knew she knew that. The look in her eyes screamed it at him, but she didn't say anything.

"Can't you see everything's going to be fine. That woman, you don't need her anymore" whispered Anika trying to come towards him when he turned to face her. When he first walked into the house though, he had seen the boxes in the living room, but not given them any thought to what they were now. Now, he saw she was going through the boxes, and there was a fire burning in front of them as if she was preparing to burn something.

"What the hell are you doing?" snapped Luscious suddenly going towards the boxes making her rush ahead of him to snatch a bundle of letters from the floor. He could see from the look on her face that she was hiding something. That whatever it was she knew it would anger him and Luscious felt her lies as they hit him making him all the angrier. Luscious suddenly found himself stalking towards her and just before he reached her, Anika threw the bundle towards the fire. Luckily, it didn't quite reach, and they landed on the carpet instead. The bundle hit the carpet and before Anika could stop him, he scooped them up. They were letters, addressed to him, from Cookie. They all read returned.

"I didn't think you'd want these things" exclaimed Anika her hands were already reaching out to touch him, but he wouldn't let her. He couldn't take him eyes off the letters. Off his name written in her handwriting or her name above that. He went to the box and found more just like it. It shook him to think he might never had known if he'd stayed in his office any longer. The box was filled with her things. With everything from her cell that the warden had promised to send. She was going to burn these things, when they weren't hers; it made him want to throttle her as he looked at all that remained of Cookie.

"I was expecting these things from the warden of the prison. You should have told me when they arrived. I would have asked about them eventually" whispered Luscious, his voice almost deadly as he still refused to look at her now.

"You were trying to burn these things…her things. They're mine and my boys to deal with, not yours" exclaimed Luscious, turning to find her looking at him.

"You have no business touching her things" snapped Luscious then looking right back at her watching as that innocent façade she always wore fell.

"You don't need her or any of these things, Luscious…she was your past. I am your future. You don't need gutter trash anymore, when you have me, your queen" exclaimed Anika, realizing the mistake she made a second before Luscious grabbed her. First, he only shook her, but when he stepped away, he didn't do so without slapping her across the face. Anika fell to the ground then, her eyes hard as she looked up at him from the ground. Because she didn't understand. She wasn't the queen; she would never be the queen. Cookie had always been his queen and she always would be.

"Shut your mouth" said Luscious his voice still cold. He stood over her now, his eyes dangerous in a way she'd never seen before. He could have killed her then, he could have easily wrapped his hands around her throat to end her, but he couldn't. He didn't want to spend the rest of his life in prison. Not when his life would be over soon enough. And killing Anika, that was one murder he knew he couldn't get away with. He looked into her eyes as he spoke and when he was done, he just watched away. Luscious took the box to his office, but he didn't look through it right away.

"Cookie and Luscious forever" Luscious remembered those words as he sat there in the darkness desperate wanting to go back and make it so that it was.

He only looked at the letters she had tried to send him, the most resent on top. It was dated only a month ago.

"I'm sorry, Cookie" whispered Luscious then, clutching the bundle to his chest as he broke down crying. He didn't know it, but Anika was on the other side of the door, listening.


	8. Past Reflections and a Gulty Heart

Chapter 8

Luscious didn't know how long he sat with those letters pressed tight to his chest, but when he finally put them down, he didn't open them.

"I'll savor them…they're all that's left" thought Luscious the thought surprising him as he set them aside to go through this single box of things that we all that remained of the woman he had loved. Something in his mind, in the buried recesses of his heart made him wait and going through her things he found some of it made sense while others made none at all. The first thing he found was that his letters were joined by three more. Each separate bundle had one of their son's names on it. They were scrawled in her handwriting and as he traced the words as she had written them, he found his mind flashing between the past and the present. To the beautiful girl he'd met outside that flavor ice shop to the woman he'd seen lying in that casket. The two were not the same, for as one seemed to be waiting for her life to begin, the other had been claimed by it, and left defenseless to survive. He knew that was his fault as he remembered her as she'd been when he first laid eyes on her after seventeen years. So cold, so dead, so alone. Luscious knew she had deserved better than that as he came to hold Jamal's bundle of letters in his hand. One bundle for each of their sons, each the same size except for Jamal, but then again, he supposed that was because Jamal was the only one that visited his mother all these years.

Jamal's pile contained only a few letters, each written only two months before now, but though he wanted to know what they said for once Luscious respected his son enough to leave it be. He respected Cookie enough to leave whatever she had left to say to their children between her and them. Because whatever was written within them was not for him. They were for their sons. Just as it was not for Anika to burn what remained of this woman. Luscious knew she was at the door or near it then and he looked at it without moving. It wasn't up to her to decide when Cookie could leave, he would decide that, but he didn't dwell on that anymore as he rummaged through the other things in the box. They were tossed carelessly inside, but it was a photograph at the bottom that piqued his interest. A picture taken just after Hakeem was born caught his eye. He had forgotten about it. As he looked at it, something inside him stung because it was the picture of a family.

They had been that once. A family that had soured when she left because she was at the center of that. Cookie had made them a family and when they walked her away from that courtroom suddenly, they weren't anymore. They were chaos and sitting there, Luscious wondered if they could be that again or if her death meant it was all over. Luscious thought he knew the answer, but he didn't dare say it out loud. All these years, he'd been working towards something, but now he realized it was over. That he'd been on some feeble search for another Cookie and some poor chance to have back the family he saw now in that photo. It was over now though and Luscious wasn't getting it back. Any of it, if anything he had lost something more precious, and he felt something give in that moment. That aspect of his life had been locked up with Cookie and now as he looked at that photo, it was dead. He thought of Anika then knowing what she expected, but he knew it would never be. She expected marriage. To be the next Mrs. Luscious Lyon, but it would never come to be. Because Cookie would always be his first love and she would be his last too. He had never planned on marrying Anika and that wouldn't change now. He didn't love Anika, never had, at least not the way he had Anika. That had never mattered before, but now it did though he didn't quite know why yet.

He had been pretending to love Anika all these years. He'd let her see what she wanted to see. Now, though Luscious didn't know if he could pretend anymore. Because the truth was the only woman for him had been Cookie. The only one he'd ever loved was her and Luscious found it wasn't just that he couldn't pretend anymore. He didn't want to.

"She was just a means to an end" thought Luscious finding again that when he opened his office door that it wasn't Anika he wanted to see, but his Cookie. He had been with so many women since they parted, but a Cookie they had never been. And yet now, he didn't want them anymore. He wanted the family in that photo back and the woman that had made it all possible. He wanted to see her again and tell her all the things that had went unsaid these last seventeen years. Luscious found he wasn't so afraid to die anymore as he pictured her there on the other side, but he didn't voice that as he sat there silently contemplating the past. There were other pictures too that he found buried at the bottom of the box. Some of them crinkled and with tape in the corner. Others torn with ripped edges where she'd torn them from magazines. One of the only photos she had of Hakeem looked that way. It was cut out of a magazine. It was him and his son standing together. As he held it in his hand, Luscious couldn't help wondering what she had thought as she held it in hers. Was she proud? Or did she realize the mistakes that he had made in her absence? The thought wounded him as he struggled to decide what he most wanted to believe. There were others there too though, ones clearly taken on visiting days at the prison, and Luscious found those were the hardest to look at. Ones of Carol then Jamal and then him, back before he'd stopped visiting.

It was the pictures from the magazines that hurt the most though because they were mostly of him, though the other women he stood with were cut away. He tried not to think what she had felt when she saw him with another woman on his arm as he continued through the box. The last two items in the box clutched at him the most though. One was another letter addressed to Carol except the date was only one day before she died. That letter he nearly opened. The second item was something he would have thought she lost years ago, but still he found it wrapped in tissue at the very bottom. It was her wedding ring, the one he'd put on her finger at the courthouse in Philadelphia as it snowed outside. When he held it up, it shined in the fire light, and though he didn't know why Luscious put it immediately on his finger. It was her wedding ring, the one he'd put on her finger, and now as he wore it on his own something imploded within him. He didn't know what he'd done with his own ring. He couldn't remember just as he couldn't remember why he divorced her. It had something to do with his image, but whatever it was didn't seem important now. It had been a mistake. One he couldn't take back now as he watched her ring sparkle in the fire light. It hadn't kept him from leaving her to rot behind those walls and then he thought of their sons.

Andre and Jamal, they were okay, he didn't need to worry about them. Cookie had given them what they needed to be the men they were, but Hakeem, he was the way he was because of him. Because he had failed to give him something Cookie wouldn't have forgotten. Luscious knew that was why Hakeem hadn't come that day because he had raised him to hate Cookie and he'd never even known her. As he realized that Luscious felt ashamed of himself.


	9. Honor Thy Mother

Chapter 9

Luscious didn't realize that he had gotten into his car until it was moving with him inside of it. He didn't realize where he was going until he was there.

"I didn't raise him to be a man…I raised a spoiled brat. Cookie would have done better" thought Luscious as he stood just outside Hakeem's apartment the blare of music coming from the other side. He didn't have to knock on the door, it opened before he could, and instead of being face to face with his son, there was a girl there. Luscious barely looked at her. She had the look of a hanger on. Someone only using his son and that didn't make her worth his time even as she stared adoringly at him.

He had seen enough of them in his time. Groupies, who only wanted what they could get from him, and now they were doing the same to his son. Just because his last name was Lyon. Fans that wanted to feel special just by being just this close. Luscious recognized the look in this one, the glaze of fame hungry users that would do anything just for their five seconds, and he knew Hakeem had probably given her that. He knew she was just like the ones he'd known. Someone who'd spread her legs for his son if only for the fame, if only a seconds worth, that that might buy her.

"Oh my god…you're Luscious Lyon" exclaimed the girl when she saw him pausing then to stare, but even as she addressed him Luscious didn't see her. In that moment, he could only see Cookie. He could only think of Cookie, as she had been, and as she was now. The day, the very events of it had left him as drained as he could ever remember being, and it caused him to barely see the girl in the aftermath of it all. It was all Cookie. Most of all, he kept seeing that coffin. The white marble of it. The morbid final resting place that made his stomach churn. He had never wanted to see Cookie like that and yet, he had, and now the image wouldn't leave him. It was stuck inside his mind, replaying, and he didn't know how to stop it as he pictured her with her eyes closed looking so cold.

"Goodbye" said Luscious as he walked passed the girl in that moment his words as cold as he felt inside. So cold, enough so that he shoved passed the girl into his sons apartment, and once he did he promptly slammed the door in the girl's face.

"How many girl's just like her did I used to take advantage of?" thought Luscious the question rattling with his head and through the room as his eyes searched for his son within it.

"Hakeem" called Luscious walking with slow steps through the room, but his son didn't appear right away. Hakeem was sitting in a chair as another nameless person cut his hair.

"What you doing here, dad?" said Hakeem as soon as he saw him, but Luscious didn't answer as he only moved closer to him.

"Get out" said Luscious his voice taking on a dangerous tone. The man didn't question the order. He didn't even look to Hakeem, but simply stepped around him then past Luscious to the door. Father and son still looked at each other until Hakeem stood with a bounce in his step.

"You didn't come to your mother's viewing" said Luscious blocking his son's path.

"Had no reason to. I don't know her, dad, she's ain't nothing to me" snapped Hakeem his words hitting him more harshly then they should have as Hakeem tried to get passed him. As he did, he wouldn't look at him, but as he tried to side step passed he just wasn't quick enough. Luscious blocked him easily.

"That's my fault, not hers, I made sure you never knew her…that was wrong of me. Your mother loved you, she always loved you, but you never got the chance to do that" exclaimed Luscious the words coming out louder then he meant them to. He couldn't help it though, for suddenly his vision was blurred.

"Take care of my babies" Cookie had looked at him with pleading eyes and asked him to do that, yet, he hadn't, and he knew it as he saw her as she had been that day and on other days including today each flashing quickly through his mind.

Some flashes came as memories. Like the one he saw now, when they had been in the courthouse awaiting her verdict, and then that moment was replaced by another. One from today where she lay in the same clothes as she had then. Only now she was dead and there was no changing that. He barely saw Hakeem in that moment as her words filled his mind. Hakeem was talking to him through all of this, but he couldn't hear him. Not until his voice rose and when it did those images were shattered. Luscious found himself looking at his son, but he didn't feel the pride he once felt. Instead, there was only shame, and it shattered him as well. Because he had failed her in everything, even this. He hadn't taken care of their sons, but done each of them some harm in some way. None moreso then the one he was looking at now. He felt ashamed of himself too though. Because he had let Cookie become the villain of this story. He had let his son come to believe that his mother never loved him or that he never matter to her. That he wasn't her world or in her every waking thought. When the truth was that he knew without knowing that that was the absolute truth. And yet, he had made it so his son didn't know this. He had made their son hate his mother and he was ashamed of that in that moment.

"She gave you life, son" whispered Luscious not knowing what else to say. Because he was supposed to mold him into a man woman would be proud to call their own, but instead there was only this.

A boy so spoiled that there was no way he'd ever survive the way they had. A boy who hated the woman who loved him so much. Most of all though, a boy who didn't understand that at all.

"I don't even know that woman. She's just some bitch that spat me out and then took off. You can't expect me to cry over someone like that" exclaimed Hakeem, his voice shattering the last of his dad's self control. Hakeem had started to sweep the floor, but as quickly as the broom was in his hands, it was in Luscious'. Luscious didn't realize the movement of his feet or of his hands. He felt lost and failing in everything as he lost control of himself in a way he hadn't before. He wasn't even paying attention until Luscious moved forward quicker then the boy expected and yanked the broom from his hands.

"Your mother shouldn't have to suffer for something I did. She's already done that and paid for it. You should blame me, son, because she didn't want to leave you, Hakeem. She wanted to be here—" exclaimed Luscious his sons voice suddenly overcoming his and as he looked into the boys eyes something inside him seemed to snap altogether. The boy looked him straight in the eye and there was a coldness to him. His voice seemed louder and boomed inside his head. Luscious could feel himself shaking with the broom still in his hand. He didn't even realize as he lifted it for the first hit.

"Come on, dad…don't make excuses for her. She left, you stayed…nothing else matters" screamed Hakeem and at the sound of the words all Luscious saw was Cookie, lying dead, and in that moment, he did what he could imagine Cookie doing if she was here now. Before Luscious fully realized what was happening, he was beating his son with the broom, and yet, he didn't see that. He only saw Cookie. As she was on that street corner the moment they met. As she was the day each of their boys were born. He saw each moment they'd ever known together and it made each strike at his son all the worse.

"She is dead and you will show her some respect" exclaimed Luscious each flash of memory making the blows all the same.

"She was your mother and you will respect her" snapped Luscious ignoring his sons pleas as he battered him.

"Dad, stop…she don't mean nothing" said Hakeem, this only earned him another blow to the head. They just kept coming and coming and Luscious kept at it. He found he couldn't stop as the flashes continued like a reel of memory through his mind. They wouldn't stop and neither would he. Not until the ended. They didn't for a long time.

"Dad!" exclaimed Hakeem, but nothing did any good as Luscious didn't see him in that moment; he was only blinded by the flashes that flooded his mind. Not just those from the past, but of what could have been.

"She should have been queen of the empire" thought Luscious, he knew that it would have ran smoother until her influence, just like his music had. Just like his boys might have done better if she had been there. Andre and Jamal were okay because she made sure they had what they needed, but Hakeem, he was missing that piece that only she knew of. That something that only a mother could give. That his mother had forgotten to give to him and now he had forgotten too. He might have had that if his mother had had a hand in raising him. Luscious didn't know what he was doing as the flashes came again and again. He didn't know anything until they suddenly stopped as quickly as they had come. Without any warning, they lifted from his mind, and there was clarity. There was his son, lying at the floor at his feet, and Luscious felt no regret over what he had just done. It was justified, especially now, in the wake of Cookies death.

That was when he saw Hakeem lying on the floor. He would be covered in bruises, his lip was bloodied, and the look in his eyes caused something in Luscious to buzz. He looked afraid and even though that was his son, Luscious found he didn't care. Instead, he crouched down so they were level with each other, and grabbing him by the shirt, he brought him close enough, so they were nose to nose.

"You're mama's funeral is in a few days…you will not bail on it like you did today, do you understand me?" snapped Luscious and in that moment the attitude he had been met with before was silent.

Instead, Hakeem only nodded, but still Luscious didn't let him go. At first, he only looked at him until his grip on his shirt left him only to be replaced by one at the back of his neck.

"I love you, son, and no matter what you think you're mama loved you too. So much so that she sacrificed everything for you and your brothers. Now, I can't make you love your mother, but you will respect her" snapped Luscious walking away without another word.


End file.
